Self-Care

When I was young and wild and free, I faced so much rejection and criticism as an actor and writer. Time and again I stared it down, drawing on some mysterious strength. Withstanding my tendency towards people-pleasing. Standing up to my own doubts, my need for approval.

How brave she was, that younger version of me.

I hope I've carried some of her fire with me into my 50s, even though I'm not the career actor I had hoped to be.

How independent she was.

Her independence allowed me to u-turn to university at the “old” age of 25. It stirred me to raise a middle finger at those who didn’t believe in me. It pushed me to pursue the less-well-trodden path.

In business, as in life generally, we need to be a bit free-thinking and creative sometimes. We need to be able to withstand criticism and those who would whisper “surely not” and “who does she think she is”. We need to learn to rise and fall and rise again. Just like actors, really.

What a marvellous, strong, courageous young woman she was.

These days I’m working towards finding balance. Between my professional life as a psychologist and business coach, and my creative life as a writer. Putting myself in harms way, as writers tend to do. Staring down rejection and criticism again. Done it before, and I will do it again.

I hope my future self will look back at 50s-me with pride and wonder.

“How brave she was”, I hope I’ll say.
Xx

p.s. Photo from rehearsals for The Dumb Waiter by Harold Pinter, which I was loosely involved with. Much love to the play’s stars and much-missed friends David and Carl, my partners in crime back in our Terminal Theatre days.

At heart, all businesses run on the same fuel. Values.

Personal values feed a business's mission. Uncovering these values can help guide every decision we make, from revenue streams to fee structures, marketing to recruitment.

But what if there’s a clash between personal values and the needs of the business?

I see this when our “business hat” comes into conflict with our “caring hat”. I get it. It's hard to balance this sometimes.

Private practice owners are typically hard-working, compassionate and fair-minded. In fact, I’ve NEVER come across a business coaching client who wasn’t. But most reach a point where a vital business decision feels uncomfortable from a values perspective. Whether it’s increasing fees, letting staff go, or simply saying no.

As a business coach, I tend to ask why this decision makes you feel less like the good person you know yourself to be? I ask about your ideal solution. We dive into identifying barriers to achieving that and ways to overcome those barriers - all guided by your values.

It is possible to grow your business AND live within your values. It’s vital, in fact, if you want to survive the stress of business long-term. But that doesn’t mean it comes naturally, which is where engaging a business coach can help.

Business coaching isn’t just about you making more money (although, I’m all for that), or simply focussing on marketing (even though this is important too), it's often about the less tangible things. Like values.

Without understanding what drives us, what feels right in our bones, we risk flying blind. Grabbing random snippets of advice in FB groups, without knowing what will actually work for YOU.

"Daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things" - Brene Brown

I swam with my kids today, and heartbreakingly they said they couldn’t remember when I last swam with them. I’m a great swimmer, used to be a junior lifesaver, even trained with a swim coach for a brief time.

So why don’t I swim with my kids more often?

The ‘excuse’ over the past couple of years has been Covid and more recently my broken foot. But the ‘reason’ is deeper.

I was fat-shamed a lot as a kid. There’s a gene on one side of my family for what used to be called ‘puppy fat’. I can see where this has shown up in four generations of my family. Me included. One unaffected family member used to call me “Ten Tonne Tessie” … making it ironic that I chose Tess when I changed my name at 18.

Today I realised that I haven’t liked my body for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of what my body has achieved, having two huge kids relatively later in life. But I really haven’t ‘liked’ my body.

I’ve always felt “too something”.

Too ‘fat’ when I was 10. Too tall in my teens. Too clumsy. Too big-boobed. Always too something.

I’ve gone through phases of only buying clothes from ‘larger lady’ stores, even when I wore an average dress size. Even today I’m (totally) rocking bathers from a designer known for flattering the ‘fuller figure’.

Why am I sharing this rather personal confession with you?

It’s not because I need validation or comforting comments. It’s because we all do it. We all feel inadequate (or “too something”) in our own skin. And it’s bullshit!

On a rational level we know we look fine. But ‘fine’ isn’t the same as body-proud. It’s not body-positive. Or even body-satisfied.

And being body-dissatisfied lets us hide from ourselves. And then we hide from fun.

Crazy, right!

So today, on my holiday, I’m giving myself a bit of a talking-to. I’ve worn my bathers all day, without sweating in ‘cover up clothes’. I’ve swum with my kids. And I want to make this a more common thing.

I hope it means more swimming. I hope it means more fun!

Let’s agree to cut ourselves some slack on the body issues stuff. Life’s too short to keep hiding from fun!

Much love,
Tess x

It’s true what they say about the power of self-care. After three months laid low with a broken foot, I’m finally out and about and able to get my hair cut.

It seems like such a small, indulgent thing, to get a haircut. People do it everyday. But there’s a reason why psychologists focus on self-care and personal hygiene as part of an overall emotional well-being program.

When we can’t look after ourselves in even the smallest ways (e.g., regular showers, freshly made beds), it can impact our mood.
For me, not being able to attend to my hair meant it became ratty, overgrown and lank. Coupled with the weight gain associated with my immobility, it was starting to mess with my head a little. Just a little, but the boost I got from having my hair done today was enough to remind me how important self-care is.

So I encourage you to be okay with taking the time you need to keep up your personal self-care routine.
It might feel self-indulgent, especially during times of stress, but it’s an investment in your overall well-being. And that’s always good for business!

Much love
Tess x